We had a really nice weekend in Eugene, Oregon. After two months of truly bizarre weather (February and early March sunny and in the 60's, and then the past month being frigid, dark and stormy), I'm really starting to hope that the Willamette Valley is done with winter's last throes, and it's going to be warm and sunny from now until September. This afternoon, biking along the Fern Ridge trail to the West Eugene wetlands, I realize how different I feel when the sun is out and the weather is warm. It isn't just feeling happier from getting more vitamin D and full spectrum light, but I feel more aware, more alive, more energetic, and no pain. I truly feel like a new person. I think we all do in some way or another, I've never seen that particular bike trail so full of people who just wanted to be outside. Let's hope we're really in spring right now!
In the spirit of spring = all around betterness, I'd like to follow up my last (depressing, insane) post with something more fun. I'm going to post a recipe that I made up! DISCLAIMER: I am not a trained professional, nor am I a food blogger. I have only been cooking for the past 5 years (and poorly for most of those years), and pretty much everything I know comes from cookbooks and random tips I learned from my husband, a classically trained chef (seriously, marrying a chef = best idea ever). Only recently, around the time I started taking Lexapro, strangely enough, I started coming up with my own recipes, and Daniel has been liking them. So today I made dinner with him in mind. Life is kind of sucking for us right now, and Daniel's been super great to me lately, so this weekend I wanted to make something I know he would love: German food. Although it wasn't really German food; since I wanted something light and healthy, and something more appropriate for warm, sunny weather, I made chicken salad with a German flavor profile. The ingredients (except for the mayo) were all local and organic; I picked out the vegetables and herbs based on what was available at the farmer's market. So it's sort of a seasonal-local-German flavored-summer/spring kind of dish.
The recipe is below, but a few notes about nutrition and fibromyalgia (since this is a blog about living with FMS, after all). Different FMS sufferers have different dietary restrictions, so I don't want to make any blanket claims that this recipe is OK or not OK for someone with FMS to eat. However, it does avoid some major food allergens, and has a good deal of nutritional value. If you have FMS, you should always follow your instincts about what you think is healthy food (not that I do...) This is an intuitively healthy dish. There is mayonnaise, but it's low fat and made with olive oil (not hydrogenated). The chicken is cooked in some fat, but it wasn't fried, and it's a very lean, but very satisfying cut of meat. The radishes are more nutrient packed than you'd think, packed with magnesium (which is great for muscle pain and stiffness, as well as anxiety) and vitamin C. The leeks don't have much good or bad for you, but they add a suble, complex pungency to the salad. Same with the chives. It's also always good to buy local and organic, free range, etc. whenever possible. There's less risk of exposure to pesticides and/or GMOs, and it's good karma. When you do good, you feel good, and feeling good makes you less likely to be in pain... trust me!
Huhn der Frühlung
(German for "spring chicken")
measurements are very approximate
2-3 Tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 lb boneless chicken breast
dried dill
ground nutmeg
paprika (pref. sweet)
salt and pepper
cider vinegar (or white wine vinegar, or white wine)
3/4 C leeks, diced (prep during step 2)
1/4 C minced chives (prep during step 2)
5 plump radishes, diced (prep during step 2)
1 C mayo (I used Kraft low-fat olive oil, but you could get fancy organic mayo or make your own)
1–2 Tsp German spicy brown mustard
cayenne pepper
1. Place oil in a large skillet (with a lid) and turn the stovetop to medium. Your husband will walk through the kitchen on his way out the door, and throw a spoonful of bacon grease into the pan (or not). When the oil is hot, put your breast meat pieces into the pan. After one side is browned (3 min.), flip it over and sprinkle the browned side with nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. After the other side is browned, flip it over again, and again with the nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. Put a splash (1-2 Tsp?) of vinegar into the pan, let it sizzle for a little bit, then turn the heat to medium-low. Let the chicken cook while you prep the other ingredients. At least 2 or 3 times more, throw in more dashes of the herbs/spices/vinegar to your tasting (but use nutmeg sparingly, it can be overpowering)
2. Dice the radishes and leeks and mince the chives. Place the veggies in a large bowl, and place the mayo, mustard, and a few dashes of vinegar (increase or decrease measurements to your liking), sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper, and add a dash of cayenne. Mix all the ingredients up, and wait for the chicken to cook. Go check facebook, or pet a cat for a while.
3. After 20 minutes or so, check the internal temp. of the chicken with a meat thermometer. If it's 165 degrees or higher, you're good to go. Otherwise, wait a few minutes and check again, rinse, repeat until you've hit 165. Remove the chicken from the pan, cut into bite-sized pieces, and mix well with the rest of the ingredients. Cover the bowl in saran wrap and let sit for a few hours so the flavors marry.
4. Your husband will throw in fresh, sliced strawberries right before serving. Eat atop a bed of greens lightly dressed in vinegar and black pepper (how we had them), or on bread, or anyway you like to eat chicken salad.
If I were to do it over again, I'd add horseradish, but alas, we didn't have any. Next time!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
a crazy post about pain demons
So it's been well over a week since my last post, which I'm feeling pretty guilty about. Hopefully this doesn't mean that my blog, and all it's good intentions, is going to disappear from the minds and hearts of my readers. But to be honest, it's been a really rough couple of weeks, and I'm committed to *not* making this blog a sounding board for all my pains and ailments. There's a enough of that on the internet as it is. This blog is about showing that it is possible to have a fun and fulfilling life with a chronic illness, and then figuring out how to do all that.
But since it's been so long, and I think there are ways to talk about the bad sides of FMS without regressing into complainy mode, I want to write again, even if I don't have a lot new to report.
First of all, here is the report on the latest elimination challenge: caffeine.
I started a no-caffeine diet last Monday, and discovered that it's a really bad idea to go off caffeine on a Monday morning when you're in grad school. I think I only lasted a day and a half. I started again on Saturday, and it's been going easier. However, 6 days in, I don't think I need to cut caffeine out in a major way. My sleep quality still sucks even without stimulants. And having some tea now and then would really help me focus (which I really need for my job!) . Coffee is really acidic and makes you jittery, but tea (black, green, mate, etc) is high in antioxidants and gives you a more mellow energy. Sticking with tea is probably the way to go. But I'll wait til Saturday to start doing that. Next elimination will be alcohol. Darn.
But honestly, the caffeine thing is the least of my worries. Lately everything has felt really overwhelming: school stuff, relationship stuff, house stuff, cat stuff, money stuff, and of course, fibromyalgia pain and fatigue and mental confusion makes it impossible to get a grasp on any of this. Like I said, I don't want this blog to be a place where i whine about the crappy stuff in my life. But maybe during bad periods I could start to articulate things that are unique to the experience of having FMS. Right now I'm obsessed with this idea that pain defies language, and that it requires a lot of thought and care to figure out how to communicate the experience of your pain, and a lot of attentiveness on the listener's part to imaginatively reconstruct that experience. I think the sharing and the listening (or reading) makes for a profound ethical moment, so if you're reading, thanks!
One of the strangest things about fibromyalgia is that the pain is unlike any other kind of pain one would "normally" experience. If you don't know you have FMS, it's terrifying and alienating. As I said before, I think I've had this for a long time, possibly my whole life, and I remember feeling weird and ashamed that over the counter pain meds, or even prescription strength NSAIDS, would do nothing for me. I remember telling my podiatrist last year, after she diagnosed me with an orthopedic foot problem and made me wear these special custom insoles, that the insoles hurt 100 times worse than bare feet. She told me that I was "wrong" (about my own pain!) and that I had to keep wearing the shoes (turns out she was wrong! haha). I remember having full MRI scans of both my feet, which showed that they were normal, and freaking out that I couldn't walk half a block without being in excruciating pain. and didn't know why If you don't know what's going on, or even if you do, the pain can make you feel crazy.
But a lot of FMS sufferers, it seems, go through this process before they get diagnosed, because the logic of the pain is so much different from any other pain, be it from an illness, injury, arthritis, soreness from working out, etc. It feels like it has a mind of its own. I'm starting to think of it as a demon. It's a demon because it's a burning pain. Have you ever spent too long with a hot water pack, or put your hand on a car steering wheel on a hot day, and you feel this minor, but pervasive sensation on your skin that's somewhere between tolerably hot and burning? Now imagine that feeling but under your skin, and imagine that it you can feel it move through your body. Imagine that at times, your whole body feels like that. Or: hold your arms at a 45 degree angle, like you're making a "Y" in the "YMCA" dance, if you hold it there for a long time, you'll feel a searing pain in your shoulders Now imagine if your shoulders, or any other parts of your body, just felt like that, out of nowhere.
It's a demon because it stabs. Imagine that at all points of the day, somewhere in your body, you have at least one really sharp pain. Like, in your big toe, or your armpit, or your knees. Just an episode of sharp, sudden, throbbing pain. Like a side cramp, but it could be anywhere, and it's not caused by anything. To me, it feels like there's a little demon inside me, bouncing around, angry about something or other all the time, and taking it out on my body. As a demon, it doesn't respond to any earthly remedy (like ibuprofin), and it takes many forms (most of them "burning" or "stabbing"), and really feels like it has a mind of its own.
I, like other FMS sufferers, think the pain is far worse than a more "normal" kind of pain (though maybe not a gunshot wound, or childbirth, or a torn ACL). However, I don't think the intensity is that bad, but rather that the weirdness of it makes it feel like you are being attacked from the inside. It feels like somebody is doing something to you on purpose at all times, and you don't know who they are and you don't know why and you don't know what they're going to do next. So that's why I picture a demon.
What's the best way to conquer a pain that's demonic? So far the best things I've found are acupuncture and yoga. Western medicine doesn't know how to wrap its brain around the idea of pain that moves and is not inflammatory, but acupuncture gets it, it all has to do with the flow of qi. Yoga is good because I get to be hard on my body before the pain demon does; I envision the really intense stretches and challenging poses as forcing the demon into submission. The next day, if all goes well, all I will feel is the muscle soreness from exercise, and it's fantastic. Much less fibro pain, my body is at peace with itself. But it never really goes away, and that's something i don't know how to deal with yet...
To end on a positive note, here are some things that have made me happy this week: my amazing supportive parents, 7th Street Yoga, mamaki tea, Gabriel Marcel, and Acupuncture for the People (www.acupunctureforthepeople.org). Thanks to all who are reading my crazy rant about pain-demons. Next post will be less ridiculous, hopefully.
But since it's been so long, and I think there are ways to talk about the bad sides of FMS without regressing into complainy mode, I want to write again, even if I don't have a lot new to report.
First of all, here is the report on the latest elimination challenge: caffeine.
I started a no-caffeine diet last Monday, and discovered that it's a really bad idea to go off caffeine on a Monday morning when you're in grad school. I think I only lasted a day and a half. I started again on Saturday, and it's been going easier. However, 6 days in, I don't think I need to cut caffeine out in a major way. My sleep quality still sucks even without stimulants. And having some tea now and then would really help me focus (which I really need for my job!) . Coffee is really acidic and makes you jittery, but tea (black, green, mate, etc) is high in antioxidants and gives you a more mellow energy. Sticking with tea is probably the way to go. But I'll wait til Saturday to start doing that. Next elimination will be alcohol. Darn.
But honestly, the caffeine thing is the least of my worries. Lately everything has felt really overwhelming: school stuff, relationship stuff, house stuff, cat stuff, money stuff, and of course, fibromyalgia pain and fatigue and mental confusion makes it impossible to get a grasp on any of this. Like I said, I don't want this blog to be a place where i whine about the crappy stuff in my life. But maybe during bad periods I could start to articulate things that are unique to the experience of having FMS. Right now I'm obsessed with this idea that pain defies language, and that it requires a lot of thought and care to figure out how to communicate the experience of your pain, and a lot of attentiveness on the listener's part to imaginatively reconstruct that experience. I think the sharing and the listening (or reading) makes for a profound ethical moment, so if you're reading, thanks!
One of the strangest things about fibromyalgia is that the pain is unlike any other kind of pain one would "normally" experience. If you don't know you have FMS, it's terrifying and alienating. As I said before, I think I've had this for a long time, possibly my whole life, and I remember feeling weird and ashamed that over the counter pain meds, or even prescription strength NSAIDS, would do nothing for me. I remember telling my podiatrist last year, after she diagnosed me with an orthopedic foot problem and made me wear these special custom insoles, that the insoles hurt 100 times worse than bare feet. She told me that I was "wrong" (about my own pain!) and that I had to keep wearing the shoes (turns out she was wrong! haha). I remember having full MRI scans of both my feet, which showed that they were normal, and freaking out that I couldn't walk half a block without being in excruciating pain. and didn't know why If you don't know what's going on, or even if you do, the pain can make you feel crazy.
But a lot of FMS sufferers, it seems, go through this process before they get diagnosed, because the logic of the pain is so much different from any other pain, be it from an illness, injury, arthritis, soreness from working out, etc. It feels like it has a mind of its own. I'm starting to think of it as a demon. It's a demon because it's a burning pain. Have you ever spent too long with a hot water pack, or put your hand on a car steering wheel on a hot day, and you feel this minor, but pervasive sensation on your skin that's somewhere between tolerably hot and burning? Now imagine that feeling but under your skin, and imagine that it you can feel it move through your body. Imagine that at times, your whole body feels like that. Or: hold your arms at a 45 degree angle, like you're making a "Y" in the "YMCA" dance, if you hold it there for a long time, you'll feel a searing pain in your shoulders Now imagine if your shoulders, or any other parts of your body, just felt like that, out of nowhere.
It's a demon because it stabs. Imagine that at all points of the day, somewhere in your body, you have at least one really sharp pain. Like, in your big toe, or your armpit, or your knees. Just an episode of sharp, sudden, throbbing pain. Like a side cramp, but it could be anywhere, and it's not caused by anything. To me, it feels like there's a little demon inside me, bouncing around, angry about something or other all the time, and taking it out on my body. As a demon, it doesn't respond to any earthly remedy (like ibuprofin), and it takes many forms (most of them "burning" or "stabbing"), and really feels like it has a mind of its own.
I, like other FMS sufferers, think the pain is far worse than a more "normal" kind of pain (though maybe not a gunshot wound, or childbirth, or a torn ACL). However, I don't think the intensity is that bad, but rather that the weirdness of it makes it feel like you are being attacked from the inside. It feels like somebody is doing something to you on purpose at all times, and you don't know who they are and you don't know why and you don't know what they're going to do next. So that's why I picture a demon.
What's the best way to conquer a pain that's demonic? So far the best things I've found are acupuncture and yoga. Western medicine doesn't know how to wrap its brain around the idea of pain that moves and is not inflammatory, but acupuncture gets it, it all has to do with the flow of qi. Yoga is good because I get to be hard on my body before the pain demon does; I envision the really intense stretches and challenging poses as forcing the demon into submission. The next day, if all goes well, all I will feel is the muscle soreness from exercise, and it's fantastic. Much less fibro pain, my body is at peace with itself. But it never really goes away, and that's something i don't know how to deal with yet...
To end on a positive note, here are some things that have made me happy this week: my amazing supportive parents, 7th Street Yoga, mamaki tea, Gabriel Marcel, and Acupuncture for the People (www.acupunctureforthepeople.org). Thanks to all who are reading my crazy rant about pain-demons. Next post will be less ridiculous, hopefully.
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