After not updating a blog for 2+ weeks, it's hard to know how to begin again.
Lately, things have been stressful, and with FMS, stress cause flare-ups. As I've only recently been learning, the pain, fatigue, depression, confusion, etc. come and go in cycles. I'm in the middle of (or hopefully just coming out of) a cycle of badness right now. When you're exhausted, can't move your neck, and hopelessly behind on your schoolwork, it's hard to justify taking some time to update a blog. Thank you for your patience.
Because of the flare-up, I abandoned my elimination diet for now. But some healthy changes are being made. Alcohol is (basically) gone, caffeine consumptions are way down, Daniel and I stocked up on lots of non-wheat and non-cow-dairy snack options (since it turns out most FMS patients can tolerate these things), yoga has been good. I'm also on two new medications that I'm hopeful will help in the long run, but I'm still getting used to them. But one of the best things lately, and in general, has been acupuncture. And thus a segue into the topic of the day: community acupuncture.
In Eugene, on south Willamette, there's a wonderful little clinic called Acupuncture for the People. I discovered them in what some might call "my darkest hour": I was in excruciating pain, had tried all kinds of things that didn't work, had no idea what was wrong, and had just gotten a full MRI of both my feet. The results came in: normal. No injuries. Nothing wrong. I was horrified and ashamed, how could this be possible? I felt I had reached the end of the road. Then I talked to a friend of mine in acupuncture school, who suggested that it might help. So I did an online search, found Acupuncture for the People, and set up an appointment. Two days later, August 20, 2009, I went in for my first appointment, and thus started a whole new chapter in my life. After trying so many things that didn't work, this crazy mysterious needle treatment basically brought my feet back to life. 3 treatments a week, and in a little over a month, i went from not being able to walk half a block (no joke) to walking–even hiking–2 or 3 miles at a time. And I still go in at least once a week, it really helps to keep my symptoms at bay (most of the time at least).
Frequent acupuncture can be really expensive. Luckily, places like Acupuncture for the People make it possible for poor grad students like me to get as many treatments as they need without breaking the bank. Everyone gets treated in one big room together, and the acupuncturist on duty is able to take care of way more clients in an hour than would be possible in a private practice. Additionally (according to the acupuncturists), having people share a healing space dramatically amplifies the healing energy. Sometimes you can almost feel a pleasant, warm static feeling when you first walk into the treatment room. This is how they do it in China, and how it's been done for centuries (or maybe not as much in the post-Mao era, I don't really know). Over there, acupuncture is something everybody does on a regular, sick or healthy, to generally be in the best state possible. And so a system was created for easily accessible, affordable, preventative health care. Acupuncture is really effective and really easy. You don't need a whole lot of time or fancy equipment to perform acupuncture: just needles and a place to sit.
Acupuncture for the People, and a bunch of other community acupuncture clinics around the country, think it's silly that such a simple treatment is so hard to get in the U.S., due to the privatization of medical practices. So their mission is also a social one: our communities suffer so much from a lack of affordable, preventative health care (although that'll be changing soon... right?), so community acupuncture strives to fill that gap as much as possible.
Acupuncture is SO bizarre, I have no idea how it works, and would kind of like to keep it that way. How is it that sticking a needle in the top of your foot helps you with your liver? Or at the base of your big toe, to remove "damp"? What the hell is "damp", anyway? And why needles? Why do tiny metal things inserted in your body promote healing? The mystery of it makes it more fun. But there are some things I know about acupuncture. The basic premise: we are, and are in, a network of qi (energy? life? something?) that is in constant motion. Qi moves through us and through our environment. Your life is an ongoing exchange of qi between yourself, others, and your environment. When you are sick, or are in pain, it is because your qi isn't flowing properly. This also means that you are out of sync with the world. Acupuncture activates, calms, or unblocks your channels, which puts you back in alignment with the world around you (TCM people: is this right???). This makes sense if you're someone who gets achy when it rains, or invigorated when the sun's out, or energized by spending time with others. Our well-being is not reducible to our bodies. As someone who's interested in the role of environment on our thought, as well as the role of human communities, I think that this approach to healing is great.
On May 1, I decided I needed to give back to Acupuncture for the People, they had given me so much. I volunteered for an open house in which they gave 100 free acupuncture treatments in 6 hours. It will hopefully be a huge boost for the business, with all the new people coming in. But more than that, it's really extraordinary to think that this tiny little clinic offered free health care to 100 Eugenians. 100 people's days were made better, which in turn probably spread to the people, places and things with which those people interacted. And it felt really extraordinary to be a part of that day.
I'm too tired to write anything more right now, but this is probably sufficient. If you live in Eugene, seriously consider checking out Acupuncture for the People: www.acupunctureforthepeople.org
And if you live not-in-Eugene, there are community acupuncture clinics all over the country (especially Portland, there are probably like a billion). To search for a clinic near you, go here: www.communityacupuncturenetwork.org
for the people!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
spring chicken
We had a really nice weekend in Eugene, Oregon. After two months of truly bizarre weather (February and early March sunny and in the 60's, and then the past month being frigid, dark and stormy), I'm really starting to hope that the Willamette Valley is done with winter's last throes, and it's going to be warm and sunny from now until September. This afternoon, biking along the Fern Ridge trail to the West Eugene wetlands, I realize how different I feel when the sun is out and the weather is warm. It isn't just feeling happier from getting more vitamin D and full spectrum light, but I feel more aware, more alive, more energetic, and no pain. I truly feel like a new person. I think we all do in some way or another, I've never seen that particular bike trail so full of people who just wanted to be outside. Let's hope we're really in spring right now!
In the spirit of spring = all around betterness, I'd like to follow up my last (depressing, insane) post with something more fun. I'm going to post a recipe that I made up! DISCLAIMER: I am not a trained professional, nor am I a food blogger. I have only been cooking for the past 5 years (and poorly for most of those years), and pretty much everything I know comes from cookbooks and random tips I learned from my husband, a classically trained chef (seriously, marrying a chef = best idea ever). Only recently, around the time I started taking Lexapro, strangely enough, I started coming up with my own recipes, and Daniel has been liking them. So today I made dinner with him in mind. Life is kind of sucking for us right now, and Daniel's been super great to me lately, so this weekend I wanted to make something I know he would love: German food. Although it wasn't really German food; since I wanted something light and healthy, and something more appropriate for warm, sunny weather, I made chicken salad with a German flavor profile. The ingredients (except for the mayo) were all local and organic; I picked out the vegetables and herbs based on what was available at the farmer's market. So it's sort of a seasonal-local-German flavored-summer/spring kind of dish.
The recipe is below, but a few notes about nutrition and fibromyalgia (since this is a blog about living with FMS, after all). Different FMS sufferers have different dietary restrictions, so I don't want to make any blanket claims that this recipe is OK or not OK for someone with FMS to eat. However, it does avoid some major food allergens, and has a good deal of nutritional value. If you have FMS, you should always follow your instincts about what you think is healthy food (not that I do...) This is an intuitively healthy dish. There is mayonnaise, but it's low fat and made with olive oil (not hydrogenated). The chicken is cooked in some fat, but it wasn't fried, and it's a very lean, but very satisfying cut of meat. The radishes are more nutrient packed than you'd think, packed with magnesium (which is great for muscle pain and stiffness, as well as anxiety) and vitamin C. The leeks don't have much good or bad for you, but they add a suble, complex pungency to the salad. Same with the chives. It's also always good to buy local and organic, free range, etc. whenever possible. There's less risk of exposure to pesticides and/or GMOs, and it's good karma. When you do good, you feel good, and feeling good makes you less likely to be in pain... trust me!
Huhn der Frühlung
(German for "spring chicken")
measurements are very approximate
2-3 Tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 lb boneless chicken breast
dried dill
ground nutmeg
paprika (pref. sweet)
salt and pepper
cider vinegar (or white wine vinegar, or white wine)
3/4 C leeks, diced (prep during step 2)
1/4 C minced chives (prep during step 2)
5 plump radishes, diced (prep during step 2)
1 C mayo (I used Kraft low-fat olive oil, but you could get fancy organic mayo or make your own)
1–2 Tsp German spicy brown mustard
cayenne pepper
1. Place oil in a large skillet (with a lid) and turn the stovetop to medium. Your husband will walk through the kitchen on his way out the door, and throw a spoonful of bacon grease into the pan (or not). When the oil is hot, put your breast meat pieces into the pan. After one side is browned (3 min.), flip it over and sprinkle the browned side with nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. After the other side is browned, flip it over again, and again with the nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. Put a splash (1-2 Tsp?) of vinegar into the pan, let it sizzle for a little bit, then turn the heat to medium-low. Let the chicken cook while you prep the other ingredients. At least 2 or 3 times more, throw in more dashes of the herbs/spices/vinegar to your tasting (but use nutmeg sparingly, it can be overpowering)
2. Dice the radishes and leeks and mince the chives. Place the veggies in a large bowl, and place the mayo, mustard, and a few dashes of vinegar (increase or decrease measurements to your liking), sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper, and add a dash of cayenne. Mix all the ingredients up, and wait for the chicken to cook. Go check facebook, or pet a cat for a while.
3. After 20 minutes or so, check the internal temp. of the chicken with a meat thermometer. If it's 165 degrees or higher, you're good to go. Otherwise, wait a few minutes and check again, rinse, repeat until you've hit 165. Remove the chicken from the pan, cut into bite-sized pieces, and mix well with the rest of the ingredients. Cover the bowl in saran wrap and let sit for a few hours so the flavors marry.
4. Your husband will throw in fresh, sliced strawberries right before serving. Eat atop a bed of greens lightly dressed in vinegar and black pepper (how we had them), or on bread, or anyway you like to eat chicken salad.
If I were to do it over again, I'd add horseradish, but alas, we didn't have any. Next time!
In the spirit of spring = all around betterness, I'd like to follow up my last (depressing, insane) post with something more fun. I'm going to post a recipe that I made up! DISCLAIMER: I am not a trained professional, nor am I a food blogger. I have only been cooking for the past 5 years (and poorly for most of those years), and pretty much everything I know comes from cookbooks and random tips I learned from my husband, a classically trained chef (seriously, marrying a chef = best idea ever). Only recently, around the time I started taking Lexapro, strangely enough, I started coming up with my own recipes, and Daniel has been liking them. So today I made dinner with him in mind. Life is kind of sucking for us right now, and Daniel's been super great to me lately, so this weekend I wanted to make something I know he would love: German food. Although it wasn't really German food; since I wanted something light and healthy, and something more appropriate for warm, sunny weather, I made chicken salad with a German flavor profile. The ingredients (except for the mayo) were all local and organic; I picked out the vegetables and herbs based on what was available at the farmer's market. So it's sort of a seasonal-local-German flavored-summer/spring kind of dish.
The recipe is below, but a few notes about nutrition and fibromyalgia (since this is a blog about living with FMS, after all). Different FMS sufferers have different dietary restrictions, so I don't want to make any blanket claims that this recipe is OK or not OK for someone with FMS to eat. However, it does avoid some major food allergens, and has a good deal of nutritional value. If you have FMS, you should always follow your instincts about what you think is healthy food (not that I do...) This is an intuitively healthy dish. There is mayonnaise, but it's low fat and made with olive oil (not hydrogenated). The chicken is cooked in some fat, but it wasn't fried, and it's a very lean, but very satisfying cut of meat. The radishes are more nutrient packed than you'd think, packed with magnesium (which is great for muscle pain and stiffness, as well as anxiety) and vitamin C. The leeks don't have much good or bad for you, but they add a suble, complex pungency to the salad. Same with the chives. It's also always good to buy local and organic, free range, etc. whenever possible. There's less risk of exposure to pesticides and/or GMOs, and it's good karma. When you do good, you feel good, and feeling good makes you less likely to be in pain... trust me!
Huhn der Frühlung
(German for "spring chicken")
measurements are very approximate
2-3 Tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 lb boneless chicken breast
dried dill
ground nutmeg
paprika (pref. sweet)
salt and pepper
cider vinegar (or white wine vinegar, or white wine)
3/4 C leeks, diced (prep during step 2)
1/4 C minced chives (prep during step 2)
5 plump radishes, diced (prep during step 2)
1 C mayo (I used Kraft low-fat olive oil, but you could get fancy organic mayo or make your own)
1–2 Tsp German spicy brown mustard
cayenne pepper
1. Place oil in a large skillet (with a lid) and turn the stovetop to medium. Your husband will walk through the kitchen on his way out the door, and throw a spoonful of bacon grease into the pan (or not). When the oil is hot, put your breast meat pieces into the pan. After one side is browned (3 min.), flip it over and sprinkle the browned side with nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. After the other side is browned, flip it over again, and again with the nutmeg, paprika, dill, salt, and pepper. Put a splash (1-2 Tsp?) of vinegar into the pan, let it sizzle for a little bit, then turn the heat to medium-low. Let the chicken cook while you prep the other ingredients. At least 2 or 3 times more, throw in more dashes of the herbs/spices/vinegar to your tasting (but use nutmeg sparingly, it can be overpowering)
2. Dice the radishes and leeks and mince the chives. Place the veggies in a large bowl, and place the mayo, mustard, and a few dashes of vinegar (increase or decrease measurements to your liking), sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper, and add a dash of cayenne. Mix all the ingredients up, and wait for the chicken to cook. Go check facebook, or pet a cat for a while.
3. After 20 minutes or so, check the internal temp. of the chicken with a meat thermometer. If it's 165 degrees or higher, you're good to go. Otherwise, wait a few minutes and check again, rinse, repeat until you've hit 165. Remove the chicken from the pan, cut into bite-sized pieces, and mix well with the rest of the ingredients. Cover the bowl in saran wrap and let sit for a few hours so the flavors marry.
4. Your husband will throw in fresh, sliced strawberries right before serving. Eat atop a bed of greens lightly dressed in vinegar and black pepper (how we had them), or on bread, or anyway you like to eat chicken salad.
If I were to do it over again, I'd add horseradish, but alas, we didn't have any. Next time!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
a crazy post about pain demons
So it's been well over a week since my last post, which I'm feeling pretty guilty about. Hopefully this doesn't mean that my blog, and all it's good intentions, is going to disappear from the minds and hearts of my readers. But to be honest, it's been a really rough couple of weeks, and I'm committed to *not* making this blog a sounding board for all my pains and ailments. There's a enough of that on the internet as it is. This blog is about showing that it is possible to have a fun and fulfilling life with a chronic illness, and then figuring out how to do all that.
But since it's been so long, and I think there are ways to talk about the bad sides of FMS without regressing into complainy mode, I want to write again, even if I don't have a lot new to report.
First of all, here is the report on the latest elimination challenge: caffeine.
I started a no-caffeine diet last Monday, and discovered that it's a really bad idea to go off caffeine on a Monday morning when you're in grad school. I think I only lasted a day and a half. I started again on Saturday, and it's been going easier. However, 6 days in, I don't think I need to cut caffeine out in a major way. My sleep quality still sucks even without stimulants. And having some tea now and then would really help me focus (which I really need for my job!) . Coffee is really acidic and makes you jittery, but tea (black, green, mate, etc) is high in antioxidants and gives you a more mellow energy. Sticking with tea is probably the way to go. But I'll wait til Saturday to start doing that. Next elimination will be alcohol. Darn.
But honestly, the caffeine thing is the least of my worries. Lately everything has felt really overwhelming: school stuff, relationship stuff, house stuff, cat stuff, money stuff, and of course, fibromyalgia pain and fatigue and mental confusion makes it impossible to get a grasp on any of this. Like I said, I don't want this blog to be a place where i whine about the crappy stuff in my life. But maybe during bad periods I could start to articulate things that are unique to the experience of having FMS. Right now I'm obsessed with this idea that pain defies language, and that it requires a lot of thought and care to figure out how to communicate the experience of your pain, and a lot of attentiveness on the listener's part to imaginatively reconstruct that experience. I think the sharing and the listening (or reading) makes for a profound ethical moment, so if you're reading, thanks!
One of the strangest things about fibromyalgia is that the pain is unlike any other kind of pain one would "normally" experience. If you don't know you have FMS, it's terrifying and alienating. As I said before, I think I've had this for a long time, possibly my whole life, and I remember feeling weird and ashamed that over the counter pain meds, or even prescription strength NSAIDS, would do nothing for me. I remember telling my podiatrist last year, after she diagnosed me with an orthopedic foot problem and made me wear these special custom insoles, that the insoles hurt 100 times worse than bare feet. She told me that I was "wrong" (about my own pain!) and that I had to keep wearing the shoes (turns out she was wrong! haha). I remember having full MRI scans of both my feet, which showed that they were normal, and freaking out that I couldn't walk half a block without being in excruciating pain. and didn't know why If you don't know what's going on, or even if you do, the pain can make you feel crazy.
But a lot of FMS sufferers, it seems, go through this process before they get diagnosed, because the logic of the pain is so much different from any other pain, be it from an illness, injury, arthritis, soreness from working out, etc. It feels like it has a mind of its own. I'm starting to think of it as a demon. It's a demon because it's a burning pain. Have you ever spent too long with a hot water pack, or put your hand on a car steering wheel on a hot day, and you feel this minor, but pervasive sensation on your skin that's somewhere between tolerably hot and burning? Now imagine that feeling but under your skin, and imagine that it you can feel it move through your body. Imagine that at times, your whole body feels like that. Or: hold your arms at a 45 degree angle, like you're making a "Y" in the "YMCA" dance, if you hold it there for a long time, you'll feel a searing pain in your shoulders Now imagine if your shoulders, or any other parts of your body, just felt like that, out of nowhere.
It's a demon because it stabs. Imagine that at all points of the day, somewhere in your body, you have at least one really sharp pain. Like, in your big toe, or your armpit, or your knees. Just an episode of sharp, sudden, throbbing pain. Like a side cramp, but it could be anywhere, and it's not caused by anything. To me, it feels like there's a little demon inside me, bouncing around, angry about something or other all the time, and taking it out on my body. As a demon, it doesn't respond to any earthly remedy (like ibuprofin), and it takes many forms (most of them "burning" or "stabbing"), and really feels like it has a mind of its own.
I, like other FMS sufferers, think the pain is far worse than a more "normal" kind of pain (though maybe not a gunshot wound, or childbirth, or a torn ACL). However, I don't think the intensity is that bad, but rather that the weirdness of it makes it feel like you are being attacked from the inside. It feels like somebody is doing something to you on purpose at all times, and you don't know who they are and you don't know why and you don't know what they're going to do next. So that's why I picture a demon.
What's the best way to conquer a pain that's demonic? So far the best things I've found are acupuncture and yoga. Western medicine doesn't know how to wrap its brain around the idea of pain that moves and is not inflammatory, but acupuncture gets it, it all has to do with the flow of qi. Yoga is good because I get to be hard on my body before the pain demon does; I envision the really intense stretches and challenging poses as forcing the demon into submission. The next day, if all goes well, all I will feel is the muscle soreness from exercise, and it's fantastic. Much less fibro pain, my body is at peace with itself. But it never really goes away, and that's something i don't know how to deal with yet...
To end on a positive note, here are some things that have made me happy this week: my amazing supportive parents, 7th Street Yoga, mamaki tea, Gabriel Marcel, and Acupuncture for the People (www.acupunctureforthepeople.org). Thanks to all who are reading my crazy rant about pain-demons. Next post will be less ridiculous, hopefully.
But since it's been so long, and I think there are ways to talk about the bad sides of FMS without regressing into complainy mode, I want to write again, even if I don't have a lot new to report.
First of all, here is the report on the latest elimination challenge: caffeine.
I started a no-caffeine diet last Monday, and discovered that it's a really bad idea to go off caffeine on a Monday morning when you're in grad school. I think I only lasted a day and a half. I started again on Saturday, and it's been going easier. However, 6 days in, I don't think I need to cut caffeine out in a major way. My sleep quality still sucks even without stimulants. And having some tea now and then would really help me focus (which I really need for my job!) . Coffee is really acidic and makes you jittery, but tea (black, green, mate, etc) is high in antioxidants and gives you a more mellow energy. Sticking with tea is probably the way to go. But I'll wait til Saturday to start doing that. Next elimination will be alcohol. Darn.
But honestly, the caffeine thing is the least of my worries. Lately everything has felt really overwhelming: school stuff, relationship stuff, house stuff, cat stuff, money stuff, and of course, fibromyalgia pain and fatigue and mental confusion makes it impossible to get a grasp on any of this. Like I said, I don't want this blog to be a place where i whine about the crappy stuff in my life. But maybe during bad periods I could start to articulate things that are unique to the experience of having FMS. Right now I'm obsessed with this idea that pain defies language, and that it requires a lot of thought and care to figure out how to communicate the experience of your pain, and a lot of attentiveness on the listener's part to imaginatively reconstruct that experience. I think the sharing and the listening (or reading) makes for a profound ethical moment, so if you're reading, thanks!
One of the strangest things about fibromyalgia is that the pain is unlike any other kind of pain one would "normally" experience. If you don't know you have FMS, it's terrifying and alienating. As I said before, I think I've had this for a long time, possibly my whole life, and I remember feeling weird and ashamed that over the counter pain meds, or even prescription strength NSAIDS, would do nothing for me. I remember telling my podiatrist last year, after she diagnosed me with an orthopedic foot problem and made me wear these special custom insoles, that the insoles hurt 100 times worse than bare feet. She told me that I was "wrong" (about my own pain!) and that I had to keep wearing the shoes (turns out she was wrong! haha). I remember having full MRI scans of both my feet, which showed that they were normal, and freaking out that I couldn't walk half a block without being in excruciating pain. and didn't know why If you don't know what's going on, or even if you do, the pain can make you feel crazy.
But a lot of FMS sufferers, it seems, go through this process before they get diagnosed, because the logic of the pain is so much different from any other pain, be it from an illness, injury, arthritis, soreness from working out, etc. It feels like it has a mind of its own. I'm starting to think of it as a demon. It's a demon because it's a burning pain. Have you ever spent too long with a hot water pack, or put your hand on a car steering wheel on a hot day, and you feel this minor, but pervasive sensation on your skin that's somewhere between tolerably hot and burning? Now imagine that feeling but under your skin, and imagine that it you can feel it move through your body. Imagine that at times, your whole body feels like that. Or: hold your arms at a 45 degree angle, like you're making a "Y" in the "YMCA" dance, if you hold it there for a long time, you'll feel a searing pain in your shoulders Now imagine if your shoulders, or any other parts of your body, just felt like that, out of nowhere.
It's a demon because it stabs. Imagine that at all points of the day, somewhere in your body, you have at least one really sharp pain. Like, in your big toe, or your armpit, or your knees. Just an episode of sharp, sudden, throbbing pain. Like a side cramp, but it could be anywhere, and it's not caused by anything. To me, it feels like there's a little demon inside me, bouncing around, angry about something or other all the time, and taking it out on my body. As a demon, it doesn't respond to any earthly remedy (like ibuprofin), and it takes many forms (most of them "burning" or "stabbing"), and really feels like it has a mind of its own.
I, like other FMS sufferers, think the pain is far worse than a more "normal" kind of pain (though maybe not a gunshot wound, or childbirth, or a torn ACL). However, I don't think the intensity is that bad, but rather that the weirdness of it makes it feel like you are being attacked from the inside. It feels like somebody is doing something to you on purpose at all times, and you don't know who they are and you don't know why and you don't know what they're going to do next. So that's why I picture a demon.
What's the best way to conquer a pain that's demonic? So far the best things I've found are acupuncture and yoga. Western medicine doesn't know how to wrap its brain around the idea of pain that moves and is not inflammatory, but acupuncture gets it, it all has to do with the flow of qi. Yoga is good because I get to be hard on my body before the pain demon does; I envision the really intense stretches and challenging poses as forcing the demon into submission. The next day, if all goes well, all I will feel is the muscle soreness from exercise, and it's fantastic. Much less fibro pain, my body is at peace with itself. But it never really goes away, and that's something i don't know how to deal with yet...
To end on a positive note, here are some things that have made me happy this week: my amazing supportive parents, 7th Street Yoga, mamaki tea, Gabriel Marcel, and Acupuncture for the People (www.acupunctureforthepeople.org). Thanks to all who are reading my crazy rant about pain-demons. Next post will be less ridiculous, hopefully.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
the challenges of no cheese
Hi again. It's been a week or so since the last post, but I'm hearing reports that people are actually reading this blog, and possibly even getting something out of it. My good friend Brad-Jaws* is even following the blog! Yay Brad-Jaws! Anyway, if you are a person, and you are reading this blog, thank you! It's good to know that I'm not just pointlessly rambling into the ether...
So this past week, in terms of FMS-related stuff, has been filled with much progress and regress. I didn't eat dairy for six days. I did lots of yoga at my friend Jazmine's 7th Street Yoga studio (shameless friend promotion). I worked out at the gym on the days I didn't go to yoga. I got an immensely helpful book on FMS by a top researcher in the field, who also happens to have it. The book, while helpful, prompted a mini existential crisis for me, because it led me to realize on a whole new level what it means to have a serious chronic illness with no cure. I smoked more than I should have, as a way of dealing with my existential crisis, but I'm still committed to quitting. All of these things are worth spending a single blog post on, but I think for now I'll just talk about the no dairy thing.
I love cheese. It's my favorite food. If academia doesn't work out, one of my backup plans is to move to Vermont, enroll in a cheesemaking master's program, and then start a goat farm and make some chevre. Either that, or open a cheese shop. I'm lucky to have a husband who has spent many years cheesemongering, and has taught me nearly everything I know about it. Together, when time and money permits, we like make cheese plates to bring to parties, or basically have a party so we can make cheese plates. Cheese is so mysterious, so diverse, so special, so complex but at the same time so comforting. I knew going into this no-dairy thing that I could very easily give up all kinds of dairy products no problem, but that I wouldn't give up cheese without a fight.
My six days of no dairy were super easy. Of course I missed cheese, but didn't mind the cravings because I knew I would be eating it again this weekend. This is what I noticed. I did feel better, and lighter, I think because going non-dairy prompted me to make healthier food choices. I ate lots of Asian/Pacific Rim noodle and rice dishes with veggies. My salads had vinaigrette, not bleu cheese dressing. And my burritos were vegan. My other food weakness, besides cheese, is Mexican food. I probably eat burritos twice a week, because they're cheap, quick, filling, and delicious. I usually get veggie burritos at this place near school Burrito Amigos, which have cheese and sour cream. This week I got their vegan "bueno no-cheese", which omits the cheese and sour cream, and adds rice and guacamole. It was surprisingly satisfying, and I felt a lot lighter, more energized, and less sluggish than I would have with the dairy.
Over time, I felt my relationship to dairy change. I stopped craving things like nachos or cheesy omelettes, or sour cream mashed potatoes. But I did find myself looking forward (in the future) to being able to garnish certain foods with a small amount of unusual cheese, or having a cup of low-fat yogurt on occasion. So I started craving dairy in smaller, and healthier proportions. It's weird how my bodymind (to use John Dewey's term), simply adopted a healthier attitude toward dairy as a result of not eating it for a while. I started eating dairy again last night, and here's the kicker...
I think I am mildly allergic to dairy!!!! :( :( :( :(
I got some chevre last night to put on a turkey sandwich (with spinach, avocado, and dijon on a multigrain bagel), and boy was it delicious. yummers. But soon afterwards, I got really itchy, especially around my face and neck. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to the vet about my worry that my cat Kafka might have a food allergy, and she said that the most common sign of food allergy in cats is that they itch at their face and neck a lot. Hmm. Digestion and energy and pain levels were all fine though. The itchiness went away, until this morning I had some low-fat plain yogurt with my cereal. Within five minutes of finishing it, I was itchy again! Hmmmmm. The itchiness could by psychosomatic, it could also be the fact that I am in a dry, furnace heated house (my friend Kate told me she that she was really itchy this winter until she cleaned her heating vents). It could be that we might have fleas living in our carpet and our couch. Gross, but possibly. But it's weird that it happens very soon after eating dairy, and goes away after I digest it. What to do, what to do...
I guess I'll focus on avoiding dairy some more, but maybe be a little more lax about it. If I want to get a salad that I know has bleu cheese crumbles on it, I'll get it and boy will those crumbles be delicious. If I want a slice of dill havarti on my sandwich, then I'll get it and savor every little bite. I just won't go out of my way, like I did before, to eat dairy-laden foods. Maybe a year from now I'll be able to go completely dairy free, but for right now I'll just work on cultivating a healthier, more minimalist relationship to dairy, especially cheese. And I'll see if this itchiness continues to be a problem.
I love cheese. It's my favorite food. If academia doesn't work out, one of my backup plans is to move to Vermont, enroll in a cheesemaking master's program, and then start a goat farm and make some chevre. Either that, or open a cheese shop. I'm lucky to have a husband who has spent many years cheesemongering, and has taught me nearly everything I know about it. Together, when time and money permits, we like make cheese plates to bring to parties, or basically have a party so we can make cheese plates. Cheese is so mysterious, so diverse, so special, so complex but at the same time so comforting. I knew going into this no-dairy thing that I could very easily give up all kinds of dairy products no problem, but that I wouldn't give up cheese without a fight.
My six days of no dairy were super easy. Of course I missed cheese, but didn't mind the cravings because I knew I would be eating it again this weekend. This is what I noticed. I did feel better, and lighter, I think because going non-dairy prompted me to make healthier food choices. I ate lots of Asian/Pacific Rim noodle and rice dishes with veggies. My salads had vinaigrette, not bleu cheese dressing. And my burritos were vegan. My other food weakness, besides cheese, is Mexican food. I probably eat burritos twice a week, because they're cheap, quick, filling, and delicious. I usually get veggie burritos at this place near school Burrito Amigos, which have cheese and sour cream. This week I got their vegan "bueno no-cheese", which omits the cheese and sour cream, and adds rice and guacamole. It was surprisingly satisfying, and I felt a lot lighter, more energized, and less sluggish than I would have with the dairy.
Over time, I felt my relationship to dairy change. I stopped craving things like nachos or cheesy omelettes, or sour cream mashed potatoes. But I did find myself looking forward (in the future) to being able to garnish certain foods with a small amount of unusual cheese, or having a cup of low-fat yogurt on occasion. So I started craving dairy in smaller, and healthier proportions. It's weird how my bodymind (to use John Dewey's term), simply adopted a healthier attitude toward dairy as a result of not eating it for a while. I started eating dairy again last night, and here's the kicker...
I think I am mildly allergic to dairy!!!! :( :( :( :(
I got some chevre last night to put on a turkey sandwich (with spinach, avocado, and dijon on a multigrain bagel), and boy was it delicious. yummers. But soon afterwards, I got really itchy, especially around my face and neck. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to the vet about my worry that my cat Kafka might have a food allergy, and she said that the most common sign of food allergy in cats is that they itch at their face and neck a lot. Hmm. Digestion and energy and pain levels were all fine though. The itchiness went away, until this morning I had some low-fat plain yogurt with my cereal. Within five minutes of finishing it, I was itchy again! Hmmmmm. The itchiness could by psychosomatic, it could also be the fact that I am in a dry, furnace heated house (my friend Kate told me she that she was really itchy this winter until she cleaned her heating vents). It could be that we might have fleas living in our carpet and our couch. Gross, but possibly. But it's weird that it happens very soon after eating dairy, and goes away after I digest it. What to do, what to do...
I guess I'll focus on avoiding dairy some more, but maybe be a little more lax about it. If I want to get a salad that I know has bleu cheese crumbles on it, I'll get it and boy will those crumbles be delicious. If I want a slice of dill havarti on my sandwich, then I'll get it and savor every little bite. I just won't go out of my way, like I did before, to eat dairy-laden foods. Maybe a year from now I'll be able to go completely dairy free, but for right now I'll just work on cultivating a healthier, more minimalist relationship to dairy, especially cheese. And I'll see if this itchiness continues to be a problem.
I had a lot of delicious, dairy free food this week. I mentioned the Bueno No-Cheese, already, but there was also Thai green curry, a yakisoba stir fry with chicken that I made, rosemary lamb chops with asparagus and saffron rice that Daniel made (OMG!), but the best meal was at one of the best restaurants in town, Red Agave. For those who don't know, Red Agave is an upscale, trendy restaurant in an upscale, trendy part of Eugene that makes amazing cocktails and unique interpretations of Latin American cuisine. Daniel and I shared an appetizer of their housemade chorizo with a cilantro-oregano pesto (yum), and I had a bowl of a delicata squash & chipotle soup (yummm), a vegan chile relleno (yummmmmm) and a cocktail featuring SAFFRON INFUSED GIN! OMG!!!!!!!! I need to work on expanding my vocabulary if I want to be taken seriously as a food blogger ever, but needless to say, the meal was incredible. I especially loved the chile relleno. I've never made them, but am now inspired to try. It was a poblano chile stuffed with black beans, rice, delicata squash, spinach, and chantrelles and a delicious red chile sauce. No cheese, no deep frying, just a delicious nutritious stuffed pepper. I am definitely going to try and make something like this at home. And hopefully we'll have some more saffron gin, because Daniel has become inspired to try making a saffron-orange gin cordial at home. Let's hope that goes well!
Starting tomorrow is going to be elimination #2: caffeine. Boy, this will be suck, with school and everything. But I've successfully eliminated caffeine before (like, two weeks ago, before school started up again), so I think it'll be alright after the first few days. Wish me luck. And good luck to you in whatever it is you are doing! OH, and happy Easter!
Starting tomorrow is going to be elimination #2: caffeine. Boy, this will be suck, with school and everything. But I've successfully eliminated caffeine before (like, two weeks ago, before school started up again), so I think it'll be alright after the first few days. Wish me luck. And good luck to you in whatever it is you are doing! OH, and happy Easter!
*I really don't know how or why Brad got that nickname. I mean, I've heard the story, but it still doesn't make sense. Just roll with it.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
take it easy
I haven't had much of a chance to talk to other FMS sufferers about this, but I wonder how many have experienced a massive change in perspective regarding their past, as well as their future. For example: I only started having pain symptoms around a year and a half ago, but the more I familiarize myself with FMS, the more I think I've had this for much longer. It's weird to think about how, during a large portion of your life when you thought you were "normal" and healthy, you actually had a serious illness. FMS is more than just pain, it's insomnia/unrefreshing sleep, anxiety, depression, and lack of focus. For most of my time in grad school, (maybe longer), I've been prone to sleepless nights, emotional crises, spacing out in classes/lectures, forgetting important dates with friends, etc. All of these things took a toll on my relationships and made it hard for me to keep up with schoolwork, housework, bills/paperwork, etc. It also made it hard for me to do good things for myself, like exercise regularly. It seemed inevitable that I would fail to meet every goal I set for myself, and I thought it was because I was lazy, crazy, or just a crappy person. Now that I'm pretty sure this was all a result of having FMS and not realizing it, I'm starting to be nicer to my past self. I kept up more responsibilities than my sick body and tired mind could handle. I'm still in the habit of thinking I'm somehow deficient for not being able to do as much work or be as attentive of a friend/partner/daughter/etc than I would like to be, so I need to get in the habit of being nice to myself because I'm sick. I've always had a problem with feeling guilty for everything, and having this diagnosis has been a source of absolution.
Anyway. It's just an interesting thing, to think about how we're constantly reinterpreting our past selves as we make sense of our present situation. It's something that Josiah Royce talks about in The Problem of Christianity, and I know that many other philosophers from many other traditions allude to this as well (including Benjamin, in a weird way, as well as Ricoeur). But that's for later. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to not push myself harder than I can be pushed, and then beat up on myself for failing to meet my own high expectations. This is hard for someone with Irish Catholic heritage (I never practiced the religion, but I swear the guilt is genetic), and for someone who has always been a major overachiever in school. I need to learn how to take it easy.
I even have to take it easy and not be too hard on myself while transitioning to a new, healthier lifestyle. I experienced this firsthand while quitting smoking. I envisioned my quitting smoking week as one of magical transformation: I would quit while detoxing from alcohol and caffeine, and also take a stab at a gluten-free diet. Oh yeah, and I was also going to write a paper and revise another one to send to a journal. The first few days were HORRIBLE! I craved cigarettes the whole time, had no energy, was depressed and angry about everything, and was in pain all over. I even caved and had a couple cigarettes here and there. I got practically no work done. I then realized I was being too hard on myself, and should let myself enjoy other things while quitting smoking. And a funny thing happened: I started drinking caffeinated beverages again, and having a beer every now and then (and totally abandoned the gluten-free trial for now, because bread is awesome), and the cravings basically disappeared. The pain went away too, and I've been feeling really good. So little changes, done one at a time, are better than an all-at-once life makeover. This is my one positive piece of advice for fibromyalgia sufferers.
So school starts tomorrow again (spring term!) and I'm thinking I'll try one, maybe two new potentially beneficial health changes per week, or maybe every two weeks. We'll see. My new changes this week will be yoga and a dairy-free diet trial. My friend Jazmine just started teaching her own Ashtanga yoga class at a new studio, 7th Street Yoga, and I went on Saturday and it was great. If you live in the area and are looking to start taking yoga, definitely check out her facebook page here with the schedule: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/7th-Street-Yoga/105708389457053?ref=mf (i'll figure out hyperlinks someday). That session did a lot for my energy and mood and pain, so I'll keep going, hopefully twice a week. I also want to start doing trial eliminations of common food allergens for FMS and CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), but one at a time, because to eliminate wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, etc. all at once would be so hard. I'll definitely miss cheese, but I think it should be easy to go dairy free for a week, especially in Eugene, where vegan-friendly options abound. So what I'll do is cut out dairy for at least a week, see if I feel better, then eat a bunch of different kinds of dairy for a couple days, and see if I feel worse. If both these things happen, then I probably have a dairy intolerance, and that will kind of suck. But we'll worry about that later.
Talking about myself in this setting feels weird and self-indulgent. Hopefully this isn't boring. Let me know if it is boring, what would be less boring. I definitely want to talk more about the past and interpretation (which leads to historiography), it's one of those philosophical things I think about all the time but rarely have an opportunity to discuss.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
hi, this is a blog.
Hello.
If you're reading this, you probably know me and I don't need to introduce myself. This is my blog that I'm starting to talk about my own personal struggles with fibromyalgia (FMS for short), and hopefully turn this into a conversation about what it means, on an existential level, to have a chronic illness, or more generally, how pain and illness can transform our lives.
First of all, what is fibromyalgia? It is a chronic pain condition, closely related to chronic fatigue syndrome, that is really not understood at all in the medical field, although many think that it falls under the category of "autoimmune." The main symptoms include pain that can occur anywhere in your body (it started in my feet, but now it's mainly in my shoulders and arms), sleep disturbances, fatigue, spaciness/fogginess, depression and anxiety. Many FMS sufferers also have migraines, digestive troubles, numbness and dizziness, but I don't really those problems (except for occasional dizziness). The only way to diagnose it is to test for "tender points": 18 or so points on your body that, if you have FMS, will really hurt if someone pokes you there. There are many theories out there about what causes it and what treats it, but they're all incredibly different. A good site to go to for more information is http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org , that's my favorite FMS site these days.
Different people have found different things that help them, but the options are so various that it's hard to know what combination of things will help any one particular person. What I've basically decided is that the best way to deal with the symptoms is to become as healthy as possible: get 8 hours of sleep a night, exercise every day, eat vegetables, don't smoke, etc. i.e. All the things you know you're supposed to do but probably don't. This blog is, in part, a record of my efforts, as a 20-something person who likes to have fun, to try and be an actual healthy person without feeling like I'm missing out on young person fun. It's harder than you think, folks. But this blog will also be about other things that I currently do for FMS, such as acupuncture and Feldenkrais (two amazing and underutilized therapies), and things I plan on doing such as trying out various diets. Some FMS patients report their symptoms clear up if they eliminate common food allergens such as wheat or dairy, or cut out caffeine or sugar. In the following months I'm going to try out various FMS-friendly diets, let you know how they go, and if I come across anything surprisingly delicious, I might go all food blog on you and post a recipe I made up (I've been cooking some pretty good sh*t lately, if you don't mind my saying). That could be fun.
Basically, FMS is a total bummer, and I want this blog to be a source of hope, for myself, for my friends and family, and for other fellow sufferers. I've been going to some message boards lately for FMS, and looked at other blogs that chronicle life with FMS, and they've all been heartbreaking and depressing. This illness can get really serious, and can destroy relationships and make it impossible to hold down a job. I really don't want this to happen, as I love my husband and my friends and family, and I am training for an extremely rewarding (and demanding) career in academia. Hopefully talking about my problems in a constructive way, and maybe helping other FMS sufferers in some way or another, will get me through to the other side, whatever that may be.
This isn't just a personal issue for me, it's philosophical. Right now I'm about to start on a research project on the philosophy of pain and suffering, focusing specifically on the writings of Josiah Royce, Paul Ricoeur, and Elaine Scarry. Scarry has a book titled The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of the World, and the title sums up this puzzle that I'm trying to work out. Pain "unmakes" our world, when we are in pain or are ill or are disabled, our language is less available to us, we feel isolated from others (others may sympathize with our pain, but they can't actually share it, pain is profoundly private), our physical power in the world is diminished, we literally have less of a world. However, at the same time, Scarry notes that pain motivates us to "make" our world. She has a brilliant account of the sentient body and the role it plays in the exposition of divine law in the Bible, as well as the development of Marx's economic theory in Capital. The experience of pain motivates us to create, to organize and reach out to others, and allows us to appreciate wisdom that far exceeds ourselves. Anyone who has experienced a personal setback or profound loss or tragedy knows that suffering can be transformative. I feel like my experience with FMS has been transformative in this way, but I don't quite yet understand how or why. In my research paper (the "history paper" requirement, for those UO philosophers out there), I'm trying to figure out on a philosophical level what's going on with pain and suffering, but on this blog, I'm trying to figure it out on a personal level. Surely, however, the two will overlap, and you might have to deal with some theory. Sorry, I'm a philosopher. The title of this blog "Remaking the World," is an allusion to Scarry. Instead of focusing on how FMS has "unmade" certain aspects of my life, I want to see it as "remaking" my life, hopefully, eventually, for the better.
I might also talk about things that have nothing to do with FMS, things that are important, or interesting or cool. Things like LOST, health care reform, a new cheese I discovered (did I tell you I love the crap out of cheese? I'm expecting my dairy free diet trial run to fail), the nature/culture distinction, and stuff like that. Just because I don't want FMS to take over my whole life!
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more! Leave suggestions for types of posts you want to see in the comments!
If you're reading this, you probably know me and I don't need to introduce myself. This is my blog that I'm starting to talk about my own personal struggles with fibromyalgia (FMS for short), and hopefully turn this into a conversation about what it means, on an existential level, to have a chronic illness, or more generally, how pain and illness can transform our lives.
First of all, what is fibromyalgia? It is a chronic pain condition, closely related to chronic fatigue syndrome, that is really not understood at all in the medical field, although many think that it falls under the category of "autoimmune." The main symptoms include pain that can occur anywhere in your body (it started in my feet, but now it's mainly in my shoulders and arms), sleep disturbances, fatigue, spaciness/fogginess, depression and anxiety. Many FMS sufferers also have migraines, digestive troubles, numbness and dizziness, but I don't really those problems (except for occasional dizziness). The only way to diagnose it is to test for "tender points": 18 or so points on your body that, if you have FMS, will really hurt if someone pokes you there. There are many theories out there about what causes it and what treats it, but they're all incredibly different. A good site to go to for more information is http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org , that's my favorite FMS site these days.
Different people have found different things that help them, but the options are so various that it's hard to know what combination of things will help any one particular person. What I've basically decided is that the best way to deal with the symptoms is to become as healthy as possible: get 8 hours of sleep a night, exercise every day, eat vegetables, don't smoke, etc. i.e. All the things you know you're supposed to do but probably don't. This blog is, in part, a record of my efforts, as a 20-something person who likes to have fun, to try and be an actual healthy person without feeling like I'm missing out on young person fun. It's harder than you think, folks. But this blog will also be about other things that I currently do for FMS, such as acupuncture and Feldenkrais (two amazing and underutilized therapies), and things I plan on doing such as trying out various diets. Some FMS patients report their symptoms clear up if they eliminate common food allergens such as wheat or dairy, or cut out caffeine or sugar. In the following months I'm going to try out various FMS-friendly diets, let you know how they go, and if I come across anything surprisingly delicious, I might go all food blog on you and post a recipe I made up (I've been cooking some pretty good sh*t lately, if you don't mind my saying). That could be fun.
Basically, FMS is a total bummer, and I want this blog to be a source of hope, for myself, for my friends and family, and for other fellow sufferers. I've been going to some message boards lately for FMS, and looked at other blogs that chronicle life with FMS, and they've all been heartbreaking and depressing. This illness can get really serious, and can destroy relationships and make it impossible to hold down a job. I really don't want this to happen, as I love my husband and my friends and family, and I am training for an extremely rewarding (and demanding) career in academia. Hopefully talking about my problems in a constructive way, and maybe helping other FMS sufferers in some way or another, will get me through to the other side, whatever that may be.
This isn't just a personal issue for me, it's philosophical. Right now I'm about to start on a research project on the philosophy of pain and suffering, focusing specifically on the writings of Josiah Royce, Paul Ricoeur, and Elaine Scarry. Scarry has a book titled The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of the World, and the title sums up this puzzle that I'm trying to work out. Pain "unmakes" our world, when we are in pain or are ill or are disabled, our language is less available to us, we feel isolated from others (others may sympathize with our pain, but they can't actually share it, pain is profoundly private), our physical power in the world is diminished, we literally have less of a world. However, at the same time, Scarry notes that pain motivates us to "make" our world. She has a brilliant account of the sentient body and the role it plays in the exposition of divine law in the Bible, as well as the development of Marx's economic theory in Capital. The experience of pain motivates us to create, to organize and reach out to others, and allows us to appreciate wisdom that far exceeds ourselves. Anyone who has experienced a personal setback or profound loss or tragedy knows that suffering can be transformative. I feel like my experience with FMS has been transformative in this way, but I don't quite yet understand how or why. In my research paper (the "history paper" requirement, for those UO philosophers out there), I'm trying to figure out on a philosophical level what's going on with pain and suffering, but on this blog, I'm trying to figure it out on a personal level. Surely, however, the two will overlap, and you might have to deal with some theory. Sorry, I'm a philosopher. The title of this blog "Remaking the World," is an allusion to Scarry. Instead of focusing on how FMS has "unmade" certain aspects of my life, I want to see it as "remaking" my life, hopefully, eventually, for the better.
I might also talk about things that have nothing to do with FMS, things that are important, or interesting or cool. Things like LOST, health care reform, a new cheese I discovered (did I tell you I love the crap out of cheese? I'm expecting my dairy free diet trial run to fail), the nature/culture distinction, and stuff like that. Just because I don't want FMS to take over my whole life!
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more! Leave suggestions for types of posts you want to see in the comments!
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