take it easy

I haven't had much of a chance to talk to other FMS sufferers about this, but I wonder how many have experienced a massive change in perspective regarding their past, as well as their future. For example: I only started having pain symptoms around a year and a half ago, but the more I familiarize myself with FMS, the more I think I've had this for much longer. It's weird to think about how, during a large portion of your life when you thought you were "normal" and healthy, you actually had a serious illness. FMS is more than just pain, it's insomnia/unrefreshing sleep, anxiety, depression, and lack of focus. For most of my time in grad school, (maybe longer), I've been prone to sleepless nights, emotional crises, spacing out in classes/lectures, forgetting important dates with friends, etc. All of these things took a toll on my relationships and made it hard for me to keep up with schoolwork, housework, bills/paperwork, etc. It also made it hard for me to do good things for myself, like exercise regularly. It seemed inevitable that I would fail to meet every goal I set for myself, and I thought it was because I was lazy, crazy, or just a crappy person. Now that I'm pretty sure this was all a result of having FMS and not realizing it, I'm starting to be nicer to my past self. I kept up more responsibilities than my sick body and tired mind could handle. I'm still in the habit of thinking I'm somehow deficient for not being able to do as much work or be as attentive of a friend/partner/daughter/etc than I would like to be, so I need to get in the habit of being nice to myself because I'm sick. I've always had a problem with feeling guilty for everything, and having this diagnosis has been a source of absolution.

Anyway. It's just an interesting thing, to think about how we're constantly reinterpreting our past selves as we make sense of our present situation. It's something that Josiah Royce talks about in The Problem of Christianity, and I know that many other philosophers from many other traditions allude to this as well (including Benjamin, in a weird way, as well as Ricoeur). But that's for later. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to not push myself harder than I can be pushed, and then beat up on myself for failing to meet my own high expectations. This is hard for someone with Irish Catholic heritage (I never practiced the religion, but I swear the guilt is genetic), and for someone who has always been a major overachiever in school. I need to learn how to take it easy.

I even have to take it easy and not be too hard on myself while transitioning to a new, healthier lifestyle. I experienced this firsthand while quitting smoking. I envisioned my quitting smoking week as one of magical transformation: I would quit while detoxing from alcohol and caffeine, and also take a stab at a gluten-free diet. Oh yeah, and I was also going to write a paper and revise another one to send to a journal. The first few days were HORRIBLE! I craved cigarettes the whole time, had no energy, was depressed and angry about everything, and was in pain all over. I even caved and had a couple cigarettes here and there. I got practically no work done. I then realized I was being too hard on myself, and should let myself enjoy other things while quitting smoking. And a funny thing happened: I started drinking caffeinated beverages again, and having a beer every now and then (and totally abandoned the gluten-free trial for now, because bread is awesome), and the cravings basically disappeared. The pain went away too, and I've been feeling really good. So little changes, done one at a time, are better than an all-at-once life makeover. This is my one positive piece of advice for fibromyalgia sufferers.

So school starts tomorrow again (spring term!) and I'm thinking I'll try one, maybe two new potentially beneficial health changes per week, or maybe every two weeks. We'll see. My new changes this week will be yoga and a dairy-free diet trial. My friend Jazmine just started teaching her own Ashtanga yoga class at a new studio, 7th Street Yoga, and I went on Saturday and it was great. If you live in the area and are looking to start taking yoga, definitely check out her facebook page here with the schedule: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/7th-Street-Yoga/105708389457053?ref=mf (i'll figure out hyperlinks someday). That session did a lot for my energy and mood and pain, so I'll keep going, hopefully twice a week. I also want to start doing trial eliminations of common food allergens for FMS and CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), but one at a time, because to eliminate wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, etc. all at once would be so hard. I'll definitely miss cheese, but I think it should be easy to go dairy free for a week, especially in Eugene, where vegan-friendly options abound. So what I'll do is cut out dairy for at least a week, see if I feel better, then eat a bunch of different kinds of dairy for a couple days, and see if I feel worse. If both these things happen, then I probably have a dairy intolerance, and that will kind of suck. But we'll worry about that later.

Talking about myself in this setting feels weird and self-indulgent. Hopefully this isn't boring. Let me know if it is boring, what would be less boring. I definitely want to talk more about the past and interpretation (which leads to historiography), it's one of those philosophical things I think about all the time but rarely have an opportunity to discuss.