the challenges of no cheese

Hi again. It's been a week or so since the last post, but I'm hearing reports that people are actually reading this blog, and possibly even getting something out of it. My good friend Brad-Jaws* is even following the blog! Yay Brad-Jaws! Anyway, if you are a person, and you are reading this blog, thank you! It's good to know that I'm not just pointlessly rambling into the ether...

So this past week, in terms of FMS-related stuff, has been filled with much progress and regress. I didn't eat dairy for six days. I did lots of yoga at my friend Jazmine's 7th Street Yoga studio (shameless friend promotion). I worked out at the gym on the days I didn't go to yoga. I got an immensely helpful book on FMS by a top researcher in the field, who also happens to have it. The book, while helpful, prompted a mini existential crisis for me, because it led me to realize on a whole new level what it means to have a serious chronic illness with no cure. I smoked more than I should have, as a way of dealing with my existential crisis, but I'm still committed to quitting. All of these things are worth spending a single blog post on, but I think for now I'll just talk about the no dairy thing.

I love cheese. It's my favorite food. If academia doesn't work out, one of my backup plans is to move to Vermont, enroll in a cheesemaking master's program, and then start a goat farm and make some chevre. Either that, or open a cheese shop. I'm lucky to have a husband who has spent many years cheesemongering, and has taught me nearly everything I know about it. Together, when time and money permits, we like make cheese plates to bring to parties, or basically have a party so we can make cheese plates. Cheese is so mysterious, so diverse, so special, so complex but at the same time so comforting. I knew going into this no-dairy thing that I could very easily give up all kinds of dairy products no problem, but that I wouldn't give up cheese without a fight.

My six days of no dairy were super easy. Of course I missed cheese, but didn't mind the cravings because I knew I would be eating it again this weekend. This is what I noticed. I did feel better, and lighter, I think because going non-dairy prompted me to make healthier food choices. I ate lots of Asian/Pacific Rim noodle and rice dishes with veggies. My salads had vinaigrette, not bleu cheese dressing. And my burritos were vegan. My other food weakness, besides cheese, is Mexican food. I probably eat burritos twice a week, because they're cheap, quick, filling, and delicious. I usually get veggie burritos at this place near school Burrito Amigos, which have cheese and sour cream. This week I got their vegan "bueno no-cheese", which omits the cheese and sour cream, and adds rice and guacamole. It was surprisingly satisfying, and I felt a lot lighter, more energized, and less sluggish than I would have with the dairy.

Over time, I felt my relationship to dairy change. I stopped craving things like nachos or cheesy omelettes, or sour cream mashed potatoes. But I did find myself looking forward (in the future) to being able to garnish certain foods with a small amount of unusual cheese, or having a cup of low-fat yogurt on occasion. So I started craving dairy in smaller, and healthier proportions. It's weird how my bodymind (to use John Dewey's term), simply adopted a healthier attitude toward dairy as a result of not eating it for a while. I started eating dairy again last night, and here's the kicker...

I think I am mildly allergic to dairy!!!! :( :( :( :(

I got some chevre last night to put on a turkey sandwich (with spinach, avocado, and dijon on a multigrain bagel), and boy was it delicious. yummers. But soon afterwards, I got really itchy, especially around my face and neck. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to the vet about my worry that my cat Kafka might have a food allergy, and she said that the most common sign of food allergy in cats is that they itch at their face and neck a lot. Hmm. Digestion and energy and pain levels were all fine though. The itchiness went away, until this morning I had some low-fat plain yogurt with my cereal. Within five minutes of finishing it, I was itchy again! Hmmmmm. The itchiness could by psychosomatic, it could also be the fact that I am in a dry, furnace heated house (my friend Kate told me she that she was really itchy this winter until she cleaned her heating vents). It could be that we might have fleas living in our carpet and our couch. Gross, but possibly. But it's weird that it happens very soon after eating dairy, and goes away after I digest it. What to do, what to do...

I guess I'll focus on avoiding dairy some more, but maybe be a little more lax about it. If I want to get a salad that I know has bleu cheese crumbles on it, I'll get it and boy will those crumbles be delicious. If I want a slice of dill havarti on my sandwich, then I'll get it and savor every little bite. I just won't go out of my way, like I did before, to eat dairy-laden foods. Maybe a year from now I'll be able to go completely dairy free, but for right now I'll just work on cultivating a healthier, more minimalist relationship to dairy, especially cheese. And I'll see if this itchiness continues to be a problem.

I had a lot of delicious, dairy free food this week. I mentioned the Bueno No-Cheese, already, but there was also Thai green curry, a yakisoba stir fry with chicken that I made, rosemary lamb chops with asparagus and saffron rice that Daniel made (OMG!), but the best meal was at one of the best restaurants in town, Red Agave. For those who don't know, Red Agave is an upscale, trendy restaurant in an upscale, trendy part of Eugene that makes amazing cocktails and unique interpretations of Latin American cuisine. Daniel and I shared an appetizer of their housemade chorizo with a cilantro-oregano pesto (yum), and I had a bowl of a delicata squash & chipotle soup (yummm), a vegan chile relleno (yummmmmm) and a cocktail featuring SAFFRON INFUSED GIN! OMG!!!!!!!! I need to work on expanding my vocabulary if I want to be taken seriously as a food blogger ever, but needless to say, the meal was incredible. I especially loved the chile relleno. I've never made them, but am now inspired to try. It was a poblano chile stuffed with black beans, rice, delicata squash, spinach, and chantrelles and a delicious red chile sauce. No cheese, no deep frying, just a delicious nutritious stuffed pepper. I am definitely going to try and make something like this at home. And hopefully we'll have some more saffron gin, because Daniel has become inspired to try making a saffron-orange gin cordial at home. Let's hope that goes well!

Starting tomorrow is going to be elimination #2: caffeine. Boy, this will be suck, with school and everything. But I've successfully eliminated caffeine before (like, two weeks ago, before school started up again), so I think it'll be alright after the first few days. Wish me luck. And good luck to you in whatever it is you are doing! OH, and happy Easter!

*I really don't know how or why Brad got that nickname. I mean, I've heard the story, but it still doesn't make sense. Just roll with it.

take it easy

I haven't had much of a chance to talk to other FMS sufferers about this, but I wonder how many have experienced a massive change in perspective regarding their past, as well as their future. For example: I only started having pain symptoms around a year and a half ago, but the more I familiarize myself with FMS, the more I think I've had this for much longer. It's weird to think about how, during a large portion of your life when you thought you were "normal" and healthy, you actually had a serious illness. FMS is more than just pain, it's insomnia/unrefreshing sleep, anxiety, depression, and lack of focus. For most of my time in grad school, (maybe longer), I've been prone to sleepless nights, emotional crises, spacing out in classes/lectures, forgetting important dates with friends, etc. All of these things took a toll on my relationships and made it hard for me to keep up with schoolwork, housework, bills/paperwork, etc. It also made it hard for me to do good things for myself, like exercise regularly. It seemed inevitable that I would fail to meet every goal I set for myself, and I thought it was because I was lazy, crazy, or just a crappy person. Now that I'm pretty sure this was all a result of having FMS and not realizing it, I'm starting to be nicer to my past self. I kept up more responsibilities than my sick body and tired mind could handle. I'm still in the habit of thinking I'm somehow deficient for not being able to do as much work or be as attentive of a friend/partner/daughter/etc than I would like to be, so I need to get in the habit of being nice to myself because I'm sick. I've always had a problem with feeling guilty for everything, and having this diagnosis has been a source of absolution.

Anyway. It's just an interesting thing, to think about how we're constantly reinterpreting our past selves as we make sense of our present situation. It's something that Josiah Royce talks about in The Problem of Christianity, and I know that many other philosophers from many other traditions allude to this as well (including Benjamin, in a weird way, as well as Ricoeur). But that's for later. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to not push myself harder than I can be pushed, and then beat up on myself for failing to meet my own high expectations. This is hard for someone with Irish Catholic heritage (I never practiced the religion, but I swear the guilt is genetic), and for someone who has always been a major overachiever in school. I need to learn how to take it easy.

I even have to take it easy and not be too hard on myself while transitioning to a new, healthier lifestyle. I experienced this firsthand while quitting smoking. I envisioned my quitting smoking week as one of magical transformation: I would quit while detoxing from alcohol and caffeine, and also take a stab at a gluten-free diet. Oh yeah, and I was also going to write a paper and revise another one to send to a journal. The first few days were HORRIBLE! I craved cigarettes the whole time, had no energy, was depressed and angry about everything, and was in pain all over. I even caved and had a couple cigarettes here and there. I got practically no work done. I then realized I was being too hard on myself, and should let myself enjoy other things while quitting smoking. And a funny thing happened: I started drinking caffeinated beverages again, and having a beer every now and then (and totally abandoned the gluten-free trial for now, because bread is awesome), and the cravings basically disappeared. The pain went away too, and I've been feeling really good. So little changes, done one at a time, are better than an all-at-once life makeover. This is my one positive piece of advice for fibromyalgia sufferers.

So school starts tomorrow again (spring term!) and I'm thinking I'll try one, maybe two new potentially beneficial health changes per week, or maybe every two weeks. We'll see. My new changes this week will be yoga and a dairy-free diet trial. My friend Jazmine just started teaching her own Ashtanga yoga class at a new studio, 7th Street Yoga, and I went on Saturday and it was great. If you live in the area and are looking to start taking yoga, definitely check out her facebook page here with the schedule: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/7th-Street-Yoga/105708389457053?ref=mf (i'll figure out hyperlinks someday). That session did a lot for my energy and mood and pain, so I'll keep going, hopefully twice a week. I also want to start doing trial eliminations of common food allergens for FMS and CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), but one at a time, because to eliminate wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, etc. all at once would be so hard. I'll definitely miss cheese, but I think it should be easy to go dairy free for a week, especially in Eugene, where vegan-friendly options abound. So what I'll do is cut out dairy for at least a week, see if I feel better, then eat a bunch of different kinds of dairy for a couple days, and see if I feel worse. If both these things happen, then I probably have a dairy intolerance, and that will kind of suck. But we'll worry about that later.

Talking about myself in this setting feels weird and self-indulgent. Hopefully this isn't boring. Let me know if it is boring, what would be less boring. I definitely want to talk more about the past and interpretation (which leads to historiography), it's one of those philosophical things I think about all the time but rarely have an opportunity to discuss.

hi, this is a blog.

Hello.

If you're reading this, you probably know me and I don't need to introduce myself. This is my blog that I'm starting to talk about my own personal struggles with fibromyalgia (FMS for short), and hopefully turn this into a conversation about what it means, on an existential level, to have a chronic illness, or more generally, how pain and illness can transform our lives.

First of all, what is fibromyalgia? It is a chronic pain condition, closely related to chronic fatigue syndrome, that is really not understood at all in the medical field, although many think that it falls under the category of "autoimmune." The main symptoms include pain that can occur anywhere in your body (it started in my feet, but now it's mainly in my shoulders and arms), sleep disturbances, fatigue, spaciness/fogginess, depression and anxiety. Many FMS sufferers also have migraines, digestive troubles, numbness and dizziness, but I don't really those problems (except for occasional dizziness). The only way to diagnose it is to test for "tender points": 18 or so points on your body that, if you have FMS, will really hurt if someone pokes you there. There are many theories out there about what causes it and what treats it, but they're all incredibly different. A good site to go to for more information is http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org , that's my favorite FMS site these days.

Different people have found different things that help them, but the options are so various that it's hard to know what combination of things will help any one particular person. What I've basically decided is that the best way to deal with the symptoms is to become as healthy as possible: get 8 hours of sleep a night, exercise every day, eat vegetables, don't smoke, etc. i.e. All the things you know you're supposed to do but probably don't. This blog is, in part, a record of my efforts, as a 20-something person who likes to have fun, to try and be an actual healthy person without feeling like I'm missing out on young person fun. It's harder than you think, folks. But this blog will also be about other things that I currently do for FMS, such as acupuncture and Feldenkrais (two amazing and underutilized therapies), and things I plan on doing such as trying out various diets. Some FMS patients report their symptoms clear up if they eliminate common food allergens such as wheat or dairy, or cut out caffeine or sugar. In the following months I'm going to try out various FMS-friendly diets, let you know how they go, and if I come across anything surprisingly delicious, I might go all food blog on you and post a recipe I made up (I've been cooking some pretty good sh*t lately, if you don't mind my saying). That could be fun.

Basically, FMS is a total bummer, and I want this blog to be a source of hope, for myself, for my friends and family, and for other fellow sufferers. I've been going to some message boards lately for FMS, and looked at other blogs that chronicle life with FMS, and they've all been heartbreaking and depressing. This illness can get really serious, and can destroy relationships and make it impossible to hold down a job. I really don't want this to happen, as I love my husband and my friends and family, and I am training for an extremely rewarding (and demanding) career in academia. Hopefully talking about my problems in a constructive way, and maybe helping other FMS sufferers in some way or another, will get me through to the other side, whatever that may be.

This isn't just a personal issue for me, it's philosophical. Right now I'm about to start on a research project on the philosophy of pain and suffering, focusing specifically on the writings of Josiah Royce, Paul Ricoeur, and Elaine Scarry. Scarry has a book titled The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of the World, and the title sums up this puzzle that I'm trying to work out. Pain "unmakes" our world, when we are in pain or are ill or are disabled, our language is less available to us, we feel isolated from others (others may sympathize with our pain, but they can't actually share it, pain is profoundly private), our physical power in the world is diminished, we literally have less of a world. However, at the same time, Scarry notes that pain motivates us to "make" our world. She has a brilliant account of the sentient body and the role it plays in the exposition of divine law in the Bible, as well as the development of Marx's economic theory in Capital. The experience of pain motivates us to create, to organize and reach out to others, and allows us to appreciate wisdom that far exceeds ourselves. Anyone who has experienced a personal setback or profound loss or tragedy knows that suffering can be transformative. I feel like my experience with FMS has been transformative in this way, but I don't quite yet understand how or why. In my research paper (the "history paper" requirement, for those UO philosophers out there), I'm trying to figure out on a philosophical level what's going on with pain and suffering, but on this blog, I'm trying to figure it out on a personal level. Surely, however, the two will overlap, and you might have to deal with some theory. Sorry, I'm a philosopher. The title of this blog "Remaking the World," is an allusion to Scarry. Instead of focusing on how FMS has "unmade" certain aspects of my life, I want to see it as "remaking" my life, hopefully, eventually, for the better.

I might also talk about things that have nothing to do with FMS, things that are important, or interesting or cool. Things like LOST, health care reform, a new cheese I discovered (did I tell you I love the crap out of cheese? I'm expecting my dairy free diet trial run to fail), the nature/culture distinction, and stuff like that. Just because I don't want FMS to take over my whole life!

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more! Leave suggestions for types of posts you want to see in the comments!